Despicable me

I really can’t help but admire B-Rabbit’s courageous move on 8-mile, I shall boldly take a page from his book. I’m going to outline all my faults. Yes, you heard right, I’m going Mohammed Ali on me, literally speaking the truth about myself in a derogatory way. Laying myself bare for the vultures. Why the hell not, everybody feels entitled to, might as well join them.

I personally am a very vengeful and vindictive bastard. I know the Word does say to turn the other cheek but the physical man in me always uncontrollably lashes out. I’m not about all-out guns blazing warfare but I take my revenge in subtle tones that people misconstrue as my being nice yet have the detrimental effect required on the intended target. Of course, I’m not one to spit in your food before I serve it as you wouldn’t feel a thing. My cold served dish goes down your gullet cold and you do get brain-freeze! Yes, my aim is for you to feel it and my arsenal targets emotions. I’m quite proficient at it too.

Laying all that aside, I’m the type of guy who will go through my girlfriend’s phone when I feel the need to. I have been cheated on so many times you would think me pathetic were I to list out the scenarios. All that time I was fundamentally the guy who “trusted” their counterpart and wouldn’t dare go C.I.A. on them. The one time I allowed the inner geek in me to flourish and hack passwords and accounts, I discovered a coup that saved me a great deal of heartache when it finally did occur and since then iv been Bond, James Bond. I keep a look out for revolts and thwart what I can: I tell my woman that almost every guy who says hi to her wants to sleep with her and each time she does not believe me until…….lo and behold, Sir Knight makes a move!!!

The question of opposite sex friends is one that baffles me. It all makes me feel ancient, like I really do not belong in this era. You did have friends before I came along I get that, but through my emergence, I should render those male friends obsolete. That which they provided to you is now replaced by me, I’m all the man you will ever need. I’m the guy who will obliterate all communications with ALL my female peers when I get a like-minded counterpart. However, I’m also the guy who will suggest such a scenario, and if its not taken up, maintain, if not increase, my female associations. I did say I was vengeful after all!

I am also that type of guy who feels I have a right to voice out my opinions about my only lady’s comings and goings. I also feel I have the right to drop hints, subtly of course, on unladylike behavior. Please understand, I’m not saying I wish to be your parent, but where a ball was dropped, allow me eye gestures that point you in the direction of the fallen ball, lips sealed. If my partner plans a meet with somebody from her past, I feel I should be allowed to voice my concern and after the meeting, to act in a certain way that reflects displeasure. I’m an African man, raised under the most adherently strict conditions and I really cannot hide it. I was raised to treat a woman with love, respect, and to honor her, and to try much as I can to keep a smile on her face and bring a bounce to her step, to be proud of being a loved and kept woman. To understand her role in the home and not to take advantage of that, and in that light, I can perform all domestic chores better than women themselves, particularly cooking.

It is also through this upbringing that I learnt the following list of things apply to all genders, but even moreso to women (lookout signs before you marry:

• ·         Bathing twice a day and under no circumstances can a woman go without a single bath

• ·         Being tidy is a must. A day or 2 of slacking are permissible though

• ·         Proper sitting postures must be observed. A woman ought never to sit like a man

• ·         When eating at a table, elbows should not rest on the table and under no circumstance should one speak with their mouth full of food

• ·         When one sneezes, yawns or coughs, they should cover their mouth

• ·         Eating is a special bonding moment, tv shows and gadgets are laid aside in respect of this moment

• ·         The man must provide for his family. Under no circumstance must he turn the wife into the bread-winner

The list is quite extensive and I will gladly provide it for anyone who needs it. Those are just a few pointers from it. I am the type of guy who is extremely displeased if any one of these customs are not upheld. Being an introvert, I may not speak out (When sober) but I will act in a way that reflects my displeasure.

In conclusion, I am that type of guy who:

• Wants to cuddle even after fighting

• Is not sensitive enough to shed a tear but romantic enough to take care of his lady

•  Finds it so hard to say I’m sorry but if I really care about her, will say it (Sometimes)

• Thinks he is almost always right and will fabricate at times to prove I am indeed right

•  Believes that even when I speak inconsistently and not eloquent in speech, I still deserve my partner’s full attention as I orate. I should not revert to long whatsapp messages or writing books to gain her attention

• In my anger go out drinking with my male buddies until 3am. Most often by the car listening and dancing to music with no females around! No cheating even in anger

• Reiterates that he should not be fighting for attention with male friends. Marriage is meant for Ruth and John. Biblically, John leaves his mother and father and clings to Ruth. It never said he clings to Ruth who is also clinging to Sam, Luke, Jerry, Ted and Sally and everything about their marital clinging is relayed to the others on the cling chain.

I am not perfect. I am heavily flawed, controlling and manipulative. In my twisted mind, its all meant to make the relationship stronger and lasting. Judge me as you please, tear down at my emotional wall, at least I have the guts to proclaim who and what I am. I am….

The Domestic Terrorist

Osama Bin Buks, a devout 

member of the Talibux